The pre-meet jitters and anxiety is now in full force, unfortunately.
The other night I laid down in bed, ready to crash with eyes heavy from the day. I had the TV on a sleep timer with some relaxing white noise playing in the background. As soon as the TV clicked off, my brain clicked on, ignoring how tired my eyes truly were.
Suddenly, I was standing at the chalk bucket with the platform just in sight. Chalked up, I started to walk out to take my first attempt. My heart began to beat faster. With a glitch in the matrix, I was back in the chalk bucket again looking at the platform, ready to walk out after hearing the bar was loaded. This strange cycle seemed to be on repeat play for what felt like an hour. After finally being able to shut my brain down long enough to fall asleep, I was back awake again, heart beating, mentally reaching into the chalk bucket one more time, for one more attempt.
Despite the mind games, I know that I have trained well this cycle. I have made smart adjustments to the training and have been the most consistent I have ever been with the heaviest weights I have ever lifted. You would think that would be a giant boost of confidence and overshadow most of the nerves, yet that is hardly the case.
Physically, I am also in quite a different position than I have been any other meet. Sitting around 10lbs heavier, I feel like I am finally at my fighting weight. I am comfortable and moving well, not focused on what the scale says but how I feel in my clothes, how the weights feel, and how recovery is going. I even feel somewhat comfortable in my singlet. Once my weight ballooned up two months ago, there would have been zero chance of me wearing my singlet. Tracking macros helped me drop 10lbs and change up some body composition, so I feel better, though not completely comfortable. The biggest single difference I can point to is how great this week has felt physically, even despite the first sleepless night. Normally meet week means my entire body feels like a warm turd. Not the case this week.
Sure, Tuesday was tough, but I knew it would be after such a great day on Sunday. Yet, I am not hobbling around. I am not struggling to hit lower percentage weights. In fact, it has been so long since I missed a prescribed percentage lift that I can’t even tell when that was. Today was a light power day and it was so light that I really didn’t feel like I had even gone into the gym. Rest day tomorrow will have me feeling even more anxious and I am debating going in to just be active without touching a barbell.
This Saturday will be very different. It isn’t just one more meet as much as I am repeating that mantra in my head.
For one, my coach is out of town, leaving me to count attempts in the back on my own. Knowing this would be the case, I have timed everything many times over. I know how long my snatch warm-up takes. I know what movements I need to do to feel better. I know how long it takes me from the first weighted attempt to my first platform attempt. I know what jumps I need to make from warm-up to the final planned lift on the platform. And I have tested this extensively. Despite the testing in training and remaining consistent, the nerves are still ever present.
My first few meets I hated to let anyone know that I was competing. I just don’t think I was mentally ready to face that as well. Now that I would finally like to have some emotional support out in the audience, that most likely will not happen either. Most, if not all, of the family is busy with other obligations or out of town all together. It looks to be a riding solo type of day for me.
My goals for this meet have not changed. They have been the same for over 2 years now. It doesn’t matter what the other lifters do. It doesn’t matter if I win or finish at the bottom. All my focus has been on the total needed for Masters Nationals qualifying. If I can finally hit those numbers, then this meet will have been a success for me. There are some secondary goals that would just be the icing on the cake, such as going 6 for 6, any type of PR, or being able to take a shot at the state record clean & jerk. Though the planets would need to align for any of those things to happen.
All these thoughts run through my head multiple times a minute it seems. It has been hard to concentrate on anything other than Saturday. Right now, I am just trusting the process. I am trusting my training. I am trusting my nutrition. I am trusting the taper written by a coach that knows far more than I know. I am just trying to trust more than what the anxiety is telling.